Okay, so I’m out with Ben the other night, who, I might add, is the God of the house in that no woman can withstand his manliness for more than a few minutes without falling in love with him and that no man can dislike him simply because he is too nice, and we went to Wendy’s. Good trip. Come back, and there’s this girl waiting for Ben. Outside. In the cold. I couldn’t believe that he has women lining up like this. I shook my head and went to where it’s warm, while silently crying inside. This is when it hit me that I have lost all hope of any real relationship. Now, mind you, this may not be such a bad thing. Having many anonymous partners while occasionally dabbling in inebriation may sound like a good thing, but I’ll tell you, it’s not the best thing in the world by any stretch … [priss mode] in fact, the lack of emotional fulfillment just gets me down [/priss mode]. But that’s neither here nor there, because I supplant my lack of female real-luvin with doing exceedingly well in every other area of my life. I mean, shit, look at Huge TV, or the receiver, the nice place, the unending “I am sOo great” … serious, I couldn’t ask for more. Besides maybe a real date. On that note, I was talking to an anonymous female reader, and she tells me that when it comes to men, it’s like she’s walking through a pumpkin patch. Oh, look, a nice pumpkin. I’ll rate this one a 7. Walks along some more … Oh Look! A better pumpkin [promptly rips all vital organs from original pumpkin and fillets them and feeds them to her dog while cackling mercilessly] and then picks up Pumpkin B, which is a 7.9 … walking along, finds a really good pumpkin. Promptly throws Pumpkin B down on the ground and jumps up and down repeatedly, smashing any hopes for Pumpkin B ever having anyone pick his pitiful, sorry ass up, and then picks up Pumpkin C, which is a 9, and says, “Wow, 9 is pretty high.” But nOo, she doesn’t go home, happy with her uber-good 9-rated pumpkin. Nope, just keeps patrolling the patch, looking for that ellusive 10 pumpkin. And when she finds it, poor Pumpkin C is going to have his luscious, golden exterior split into tiny shards by her heart-wrenching, soul-killing, disdain. And this kind of shit is wrong. So all you bitches out there need to stop being so goddamn picky. At least when it comes to me. I may be a 2 or a 3, but dammit, when you’re done using me for pumpkin pie, don’t step on what’s left. Have you ever done something that you figured would land you in hot water and kind of destroy everything that you thought you had going with someone, yet it didn’t really do anything at all, besides make you wonder ‘what the fuck is going on?’ I have, and I’ll tell you, it’s pretty cool. For example, the fight with co-worker Jack not too long ago. Real Effects? None. This kind of thing has happened a couple times in the past month or so … pretty weird.
2002-03-27 22:32:28 – Ben
Dude, Randall, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Every woman I’ve truly cared about has either broken up with me, pushed me aside, or run off to Arizona And you’re the one always bringing the women around. The only reason women like me is that they can feel secure that I won’t sleep with them. I’m the "woman friend." But even that became untrue a few weeks ago. Well, untrue for a night. But that’s past. And I digress. The point of this post is that you’re totally awesome. I’m not gonna go into any details- if I even got started espousing your virtues, people would think I’m gay. That’s how cool you are. Ok, I’m done. Apparently, I’ve been thinking about this post too long.
2002-03-27 22:34:46 – cosmosmoon
Oh, that’s nice, somebody likes Randal, the skank.
2002-03-27 22:35:36 – keener2u
Dude I just can’t follow ben’s post because you know it is perfect…but apparently emily can…emily…that’s right emily
2002-03-27 22:38:28 – keener2u
Apparently all of Ben’s women friends are lesbians. Seeing what they do with ben…being a woman friend…riiighhhhtttttt
2002-03-27 22:47:06 – fourdegrees
damn this is funny stuff…sucks about the pumpkins tho. man, that’s harsh. do you really think that way? i suddenly feel insecure…ha yeah, ben just has ‘women friends’…women friends that hang out in bed with him, and follow him around, and fall in love with him, and — you get the idea… rand0m rawks.
2002-03-27 22:50:13 – ben
2002-03-27 22:51:22 – cosmosmoon
Alright. I would simply like to make a clarification point on the pumpkins. Everybody (men included) discard pumpkins. The difference is we (as women) need to have a good reason to brutally destroy (a slightly embellished and bitter way of putting it) our pumpkins, versus the whole, we’ll just keep all the pumpkins until we’re bored and need a new one. Hrmmmm……. too much bitterness. Just kidding. Yay pumpkins.
2002-03-27 22:52:35 – keener2u
I’m gay. Just thought I’d share.
2002-03-27 22:54:48 – cosmosmoon
I can back that up. I’ve witnessed some very interesting wrestling matches around here…..although, there’s no denying it takes 2+ to tango…..
2002-03-27 22:54:56 – tony
i saw randal pump a empty watermelon rind full of his "essence" i spent 2 weeks in a catatonic state after this sometimes, when i see old movies where the country folk are all sitting around eating watermelon, i shiver and mumble "no mother nature, noooo!"
2002-03-27 22:57:18 – keener2u
Sorry last post of mine is because Ben wishes I was a gay and he had to humor himself…
2002-03-27 22:58:21 – rand0m
Keener, are you one of Ben’s illustrious gay concubines? Yes, Ben, you do suck. 😀
2002-03-27 22:58:51 – fourdegrees
ok fine, but why not pass up the pumpkins that don’t rate instead of carrying them around and then ditching them. see, when dating a pumpkin, you do your best (inadvertently or not) to make it think it’s a 9+. so when this pumpkin gets dropped, you end up with the shredding and sauteing, etc… isn’t it best to let a sleeping pumpkin lie?
2002-03-27 22:59:22 – tony
just thought i’d share with you… randal is hollowing out a cucumber and he’s doing these wierd squats hmmmm?
2002-03-27 23:00:03 – keener2u
Not that I know of…but just wait in about 10 minutes another one will be over…
2002-03-27 23:00:44 – Burnz
World according to Burnz: There are users and there are usees. Users look for someone that is "fun" that they can suck the life out of until they get bored and then the bottom drops out of what the perfectly nice usee thought was a budding "romance." I hate both genders that play this bullshit game. Kill the pumpkin bitch. I like saying that. I love you Ben. I couldn’t help it. And I heard you talking about whatever her name was last week that "got complicated". You could be a player. But rand0m is a good guy and has my vote!
2002-03-27 23:04:27 – fourdegrees
woah, how bass ackwards is that? h0rn d0g is a nice guy and church boy is the player? are you on crack? ha oh, wait. what about multiple pumpkins?
2002-03-27 23:05:26 – Ben
Keener, you’re right. You figured me out. I love you. Your farts are like perfume to me. And remember that time in the hot tub when I accidentally brushed your leg, but didn’t say anything? Yes, I was making a pass.
2002-03-27 23:06:47 – fourdegrees
which one of you wants to get bitch-slapped first?
2002-03-27 23:07:30 – keener2u
OMG 😀 I will always lock my doors and never sleep on my stomach again. With you in there with me.
2002-03-27 23:08:38 – tony
2002-03-27 23:08:41 – tony
2002-03-27 23:08:44 – keener2u
I will go second!!!
2002-03-27 23:10:23 – ben
Keener, that wasn’t me that night. That was Emily. She wants to be your ship wench, and serve you fresh watermelon.
2002-03-27 23:12:25 – cosmosmoon
hey….none of that..I don’t like ships, and I keep the watermelon to myself, thank you.
2002-03-27 23:13:21 – cosmosmoon
However…..seeing as how Ben is a god and all…..or at least a 7.8 pumpkin….
2002-03-27 23:13:57 – tony
Randal is talking about going to the "meat" section at the grocery store. Apparently his hookup behind the "meat counter" has informed him that the "pork tenderloin" is especially rare this evening. Randal is smiling in a most peculiar way and appears to be giddy as a young mature lusty school girl.
2002-03-27 23:14:19 – Burnz
Could do better for a ship wench anyway. Try tony, I hear good things.
2002-03-27 23:16:15 – cosmosmoon
You know this from experience, Burnz?
2002-03-27 23:16:43 – Burnz
Just by reputation, tell them Ben.
2002-03-27 23:26:09 – Ben
It’s ok, Burnz. You don’t have to be ashamed. Tony’s very masculine. I can see how you’d be attracted to him.
2002-03-27 23:30:08 – Ben
Besides, Tony’s not really my type. I prefer, you know, boobs. I’m more into that sort of thing. Wow. Drunken yoga is being performed by people in my house. Scary.
2002-03-27 23:51:41 – tony
What ho there! You think drunken yoga is scary, imagine this: 3 of the people in this house are making "bird" noises and saying "do the boogaloo, do the giraffe" I’m doing all i can not to get a baseball bat and beat the shit out of them!
2002-03-28 00:01:38 – billycorganfan413
The Pumpkins rule! Darcy is my favorite cause she is the cutest but then she quit, el oh el.
2002-03-28 00:13:22 – realbighead
randal, why are all these crackheads posting on your website? and why is tony still talking? and why are we all walking around stroking each other’s penises? Randal’s good people, Matt’s good if scary people, Ben’s good people, and I’m better than all of you, so really, there’s no point to arguing. Ha, I win.
2002-03-28 00:17:03 – rand0m
all the roommates are here posting like mad … and I leave the penis stroking among Ben and Matt and Tony … they all seem to enjoy that quite a bit 😉 It has been officially confirmed that Tony never even reads the post or the preceding comments before adding whatever drivle just crossed his mind.
2002-03-28 00:35:35 – keener2u
I am waiting for a woman before any penis stroking happens…..ben scares me…
2002-03-28 18:45:30 – cosmosmoon
Alright, then all of you anti pumpkin people. Here’s something to ponder. Say you’re out in your patch, and you come across a 9 pumpkin, I mean, this is a really great pumpkin, and you like a lot of things about it, but it’s not the absolute best most perfect one for you. Do you take the 9, settle with almost perfect (because, hey, it is pretty good) and live with that, and with the gnawing question of what if you’d stayed in the patch longer and found that 10 pumpkin of your dreams? After a while of this (months? years? decades?) you slowly begin to resent your pumpkin, knowing secretly that it’s what is holding you back from finding that perfect ideal pumpkin, and both of your lives become dragged out and miserable, but you stick with it, because you made a decision, and it’s better than letting the old pumpkin go (e.g. smashing it, and filleting entrails). Is that a better alternative??? I mean, hey, sounds like a terrific way of living to me….
2002-03-28 19:44:31 – rand0m
Although I personally don’t have any problems with always looking out for a better find, I have a pretty tough time with a person callously flitting from one pumpkin to another … I think being kind of picky is beneficial to all parties involved — the relationship, I think, is much more thoroughly enjoyed if both parties know that they weren’t just the next pumpkin in line. Again, my lack of relationship experience gives me no ground to talk from … $.02
2002-03-28 20:02:44 – cosmosmoon
Perhaps rather than callously flitting, one is giving each pumpkin the potential to be that number 10 pumpkin. It’s hard to cast off a pumpkin as not good enough, unless you give it a chance to prove itself.
2002-03-28 21:10:17 – Burnz
Semantics. All I can say is that I would personally strive to avoid fickle *people* that make me wonder everytime they go out whether or not I will get that "Hi darling, calling from my 10 pumpkin’s house." message on my answering machine. I believe in testing, sure, but it sounds to me that you are keeping a bullpen of lesser pumpkins to get by on while you keep looking.
2002-03-28 21:39:09 – Netheus
Ha Ha. I got a #10. Neener neener neener!!!!!
2002-03-29 08:41:53 – rand0m
Ahh, Burnz the wise has much skill in saying what I mean 😉 I don’t know if by bullpen you mean multiple people always … I hereby assume that one person can constitute a bullpen. Look at a pitcher, there’s only one of those guys in the bullpen at a time. [looks in the mirror and writes down a big 5]
2002-03-29 16:01:01 – cosmosmoon
The theory behind the whole pumpkin example is that everyone prefers a different kind of pumpkin. No one pumpkin has a set rating. Therefore, if a pumpkin is discarded as only being a 6, for somebody else, it is a number 10. See. It’s a happy theory.
2002-03-29 16:30:09 – realbighead
the pumpkin allegory sucks and you’re all dumb. There, I win again.
2002-03-29 16:34:20 – rand0m
I am sorry to inform you that you suck and that you are dumb, and that in fact, you have not won. Our disclaimer clearly states that no one with "head" in their name can win anything.
2002-03-29 19:55:24 – tony
hey guys, fuck this girl seeking pumpkin shit here are some #10 pumpkins for guys: Ani Difranco, come on dude, she is hot, and hetero now Gina Gershon, see above Drew Barrymore, see above, err nah, fuck it, she did it with that green fuckwad, screw her Jessica, girl i had a crush on in middle school
2002-03-29 23:54:22 – Netheus
I contend that all ministers of the Church of the sub-genius, fruitcakes of the Discordian Cabals, and members of the Ministry of Truth are exempted from this generalization– If you’ve been using the same screen name for 5+ years, you suck. If you own a shirt carrying the FUBAK label, you didn’t get me one, thus, you suck. Wanna get drunk on Easter?
2002-03-30 04:24:21 – Burnz
And so a perfectly nice 6 pumpkin gets ruined and heartbroken by the patch-walker before finding their ten. No one likes an embittered and jaded pumpkin. You try to carve it, but it just smokes like a chimney and wants to be left the hell alone by all the wacky people. Might be time for a new update so we can fight about something that is not this because the victor is quite clear and we are into redundancy. So I will just take my shiny gold medal and move along down the road.
2002-03-30 11:48:12 – cosmosmoon
embittered, jaded and cynical, yet still maintains the ego….amazing…..
2002-03-30 11:51:44 – rand0m
What the hell? That’s how you maintain your ego … obviously you’re not jaded, cynical or bitter enough. 😉
2002-03-30 14:32:42 – realbighead
see, when you get jaded, cynical, and bitter, it’s because everyone else sucks. So really, the moreso you get, the better you look comparatively.
2002-03-31 01:48:58 – billycorganfan413
So I take it we’re not talking about the band…are we? shit.
2002-03-31 09:56:36 – Pinky
who the fuck are all these people posting? and boys do the pumpkin thing all the time as well. doesn’t everyone in someway? you could always take a knife to her house…hahaha. anyway, happy easter.
2002-03-31 15:37:47 – realbighead
put up a fucking new post already… this thread is teh suck.
2002-04-01 09:07:14 – Betty
OMG!~There are no words…oh… (I know I’m going to get shit for this, but…)all my boys are 10+ pumpkins! (In my eyes.) love you boys!
2002-04-01 12:03:51 – bastard
April fools m0th3r4uck3r5