I hate it when this happens. I have a perfectly normal day, and then something inside me clicks, and I get down. Don’t know how it happened today, but I just wanted to die today. So I go to the park and lay down for 45 minutes and enjoy the sun. I fall asleep, I wake up. As soon as my eyes open, I have this intense loathing of myself. I don’t know why. I just hate who I am and everything I stand for. This is not typical behavior for me; in fact, I love me. But right now, I hate me. I have no idea how to resolve this. I hate the fact that I am who I am and that I am how I am. It just fucking sucks. I want to have good fun. The last time I had a truly good time was on the rafting trip. Before that? I have no idea. A *long* time before that. I hate that. I fucking hate the way that everything is for me. I loath. I hate. Just fucking shoot me already.
Update: Spent some time with tony tonight, and he provoked me to do some thinking about where this funk comes from. So I did. Here it is:
I think those are the big things on my mind; solving those things, though, are a different matter altogether. ‘night