goddammit

I hate it when this happens. I have a perfectly normal day, and then something inside me clicks, and I get down. Don’t know how it happened today, but I just wanted to die today. So I go to the park and lay down for 45 minutes and enjoy the sun. I fall asleep, I wake up. As soon as my eyes open, I have this intense loathing of myself. I don’t know why. I just hate who I am and everything I stand for. This is not typical behavior for me; in fact, I love me. But right now, I hate me. I have no idea how to resolve this. I hate the fact that I am who I am and that I am how I am. It just fucking sucks. I want to have good fun. The last time I had a truly good time was on the rafting trip. Before that? I have no idea. A *long* time before that. I hate that. I fucking hate the way that everything is for me. I loath. I hate. Just fucking shoot me already.

Update: Spent some time with tony tonight, and he provoked me to do some thinking about where this funk comes from. So I did. Here it is:

  • Financial Stress
  • College [?]
  • Lack of intimacy about anything — job, people, opposite sex
  • I think those are the big things on my mind; solving those things, though, are a different matter altogether. ‘night

    2001-05-25 01:53:32 – The Burnz
    I can tell you what they told me. Typical happiness with inexplicable lows is a result of the ID not being fed. The rumor is that you are not satisfying anything but your ego/superego. Hormones and weather changes also have a bearing. I don’t know how valid it is, but that is the run down I got. Doubt that helps, but I sure like to throw around the word ID.
    2001-05-25 02:10:58 – Xeon
    This link since I don’t really know how to communicate with Laura is for her and her friends… post freely :) <a href="http://www.hpi.net/xeon/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=57&FORUM_ID=2&CAT_ID=1&Topic_Title=Man+at+Denny%27s&Forum_Title=General">Man at Denny’s Discussion</a>
    2001-05-25 02:23:12 – Laura
    yeah, jocelyn, craig, matt fullen, sam, ian and i talked to some dude who claimed to be a writer for the rocky mountain news tonight at dennys for like three hours. he was obviously not from the rocky mountain news. i also got hit on by a cowboy with wranglers and a nice big black cowboy hat. apparently, i am hard to communicate with. eh, that figures. also, randal, i think you should talk to me about what’s up because i know i can offer a fun perspective. actually, i just think i could help you/cheer you up/whatever. yeah, that’s cheesy, but it’s ok.